I know a thing or two about self sabotage. In fact, the sad thing is that almost everyone does. Self sabotage is when you consciously or, most often, unconsciously follow an action or choice by which you are essentially betraying yourself.
These choices are in the detriment of your physical, mental or emotional health. It may involve boundaries, it may involve doing things you know cause great stress. It may even mean going back to a toxic ex or friends, out of the wrong reasons.
Not just this, but by continuing such patterns of behaviour, you are teaching yourself that your boundaries don’t matter. That your wellbeing doesn’t matter. That anyone else’s desires and needs comes before yours – and I don’t need to tell you what a twisted, unhealthy belief system that is. If you don’t believe your wellbeing deserves to be prioritized, it can undercut your entire growth mindset and attempt to level up!
Here are 3 ways we tend to self sabotage, and what you can do to stop them from happening and replace them with positive, nurturing habits.
1. Toxic behaviour
Unhealthy patterns can refer to any habits, choices or actions which you know deep down are not in your best interest, yet you keep repeating the same patterns for various reasons. These reasons can include loneliness, insecurity, need for validation, or even just out of pure habit, which can be the worst because it can be harder to break a habit that is so engrained you’re not even aware of it.
SOLUTION
The way to circumvent unhealthy patterns is through self-awareness, by simply taking the time to pay attention to your behaviour.
What are the most frequent scenarios where you find yourself self sabotaging? Is it when you start to feel lonely or stir-crazy after staying too many days inside? Then be proactive and focus on actions that fix the problem before the problem appears: go out more often, socialise more, call up a friend, hang out with your cousin across town.
Is it via peer pressure when your friends and family accost you in making a choice which they perceive as the right one, but which you know is something you want nothing to do with? Yet because of the way you were raised, you feel obligated to oblige so you give in to the pressure, even if on some unconscious level you realise this leads to a sense of self betrayal and self disconnection? Then break the cycle and set your foot down. Say no, because it’s your choice and your life, and it’s your birthright to live your life as you wish. Understand that nobody can dictate to you how you should live (especially aspects like marriage, children, religion, etc).
Is it when you’re finally in a happy, healthy relationship you find yourself starting to self sabotage again? Due to some unconscious belief that you’re not worthy of it, or that there’s something wrong with you, or that if you abandon ship first, then they won’t be able to abandon you and leave you heartbroken, even if they showed no signs or intention? Or the reason you’re sabotaging it may also be because a toxic relationship is what’s familiar to you, to your mind, to your worldly experience. From childhood or your teenage years or later years, regardless. Our minds, for better or worse, always prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar – even if the familiar happens to be something toxic to us.
If this is the case, stop sabotaging your own happiness! Your opportunity for something nourishing, healthy and uplifting! Get out of your own way, and allow in the blessings awaiting at your door. Stop second-guessing each step and trying to find excuses to shut the relationship down. You’re either in or you’re not! Acknowledge that you’re fully deserving of happiness and of a healthy relationship, and break the cycle once and for all.
Or perhaps it’s the age old issue of addiction – whether it’s alcohol, smoking or some other bad habit. As you may know, addiction cannot stand by itself. It is by definition fuelled by some other factor, some other association – most often this is low self-worth, anger or sorrow, guilt or shame. It is a complex vicious circle, but the important thing is you can heal from it.
You don’t have to define yourself by your shortcomings, your vulnerabilities. All you need to do, is actually look within yourself, turn on the light, and start sorting through the broken pieces. Remember that it’s not you that’s broken as a whole, it’s something in you, something in your past, which needs some tender love & care, so it can stop waiting as an open wound unattended to by the most important person (YOU). You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to heal!
There are so many scenarios that can cause people to follow habits, actions or patterns of thought that lead to self sabotage, but the point is through self-awareness and self love practices, we can take actions to move further away, day by day, from anything that does not serve our wellbeing, and move closer to those things which do.
2. Toxic people
Whether it’s letting in an old childhood friend who betrayed you and broke your heart, or an ex that was 50 Shades of Red Flags, this is one of the most common forms of self sabotage.
The reasons are much the same as for toxic habits – we return to people we know are not conducive to our higher good simply because of solitude, a need for validation, a desire for mental, emotional or physical intimacy. The need for love and appreciation is human and innate. But in this case? We do the wrong thing for the wrong reason.
SOLUTION
Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to loneliness by looking first at the past, invest your time more wisely by looking towards the future. Make better choices that involve new things, instead of making bad choices that involve the familiar, the past. Make it a point to meet new people, join a book club, join a forum, hang out with your friends’ friends, give that work-related gaming night a try and you may just end up with refreshing and fun acquaintances as well as experiences.
Don’t get so blind-sided by the past that you forget to let go of what no longer works. Close those doors, and let new ones be opened. And if it’s not loneliness but boredom that ails you, take up a new hobby. Start a new bookseries, learn a new language. There are so many ways to spend your time smartly that doesn’t necessarily involve other people if that’s not your focus.
3. Breaking your boundaries
Letting others cross your boundaries, or worse yet doing them yourself, can lead to a lot of residual trauma. Because on some level you are telling your inner self that it’s okay to disconsider your needs, desires, preferences, your wellbeing. And that’s a dangerous path to tread, because it leads to a downward spiral where you have a wounded self-worth only further kept wounded by choosing toxic relationships and other things which further perpetuate the whole scenario. Can you see where this is going?
Breaking your own boundaries can come in many forms, and none are less valid! The point here is that they are important to you, on an intrinsic level, and yet you (and/or others) are not treating them as important – that is the issue. That’s how it turns into self sabotage.
This can be small habits in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), where one is hurt by the other’s actions but tolerates it. Small things like musical preferences being frowned upon, laughed at or called as boring, uninteresting, too this or too that – a case in which music may in fact be very important to them. Or how the most important hobbies/skills of one partner are completely ignored, with a great focus over the other romantic partner’s quotidian preoccupations, as a general rule in the relationship – a case where said hobbies and skills are very much what that person wants to do for a living, rendering it a dealbreaker indeed.
This can be a couple where their religions are completely different, and equally essential, yet with minimal respect to each other’s beliefs and traditions. Tolerating that disrespect is a boundary being broken.
This can be a vegan who wholeheartedly is invested in the lifestyle, the philosophy, the active daily choice to make kinder choices wherever and whenever possible, within their means. If such a vegan dates a partner diametrically opposed to her values, belief system, diet, etc – someone who not only does not respect it but actively insults it… Tolerating that is a boundary being broken.
This can be a new mother overlooking for the 7th time how her husband tends to weasel his way out of baby chores, even though they’d agreed on equally balancing the tasks. Perhaps she’s once again lenient because she’s tired of arguing over it or trying to change him. Nonetheless, it falls on both – on the father for not taking ownership and responsibility for his new role as he should, as well as not stepping into his protective husband by being mindful of his wife’s wellbeing as he should; and on the wife for not enforcing her expectations in the relationship, or tolerating more, or lowering her standards. It is a complex situation, where the responsibility involves both parties, yet there should still be care and patience considering it is a new journey for them as a family and they may feel equally overwhelmed and tired.
As you see, boundaries are a tricky thing and there’s a fine line: they can vary from light discomfort that can be overlooked, to actual dealbreakers (but which are still tolerated). That’s why it’s important to practice self-awareness and ask yourself the questions below.
SOLUTION
The solution for this self sabotaging habit is simple. Ask yourself, what are your boundaries? What do they mean to you? Are they really that important?
Write a list, number them and keep them crystal as day in your mind. When you are clear about your boundaries with yourself, you are making it so much easier for others to follow them too. And if they don’t – make it known that that behaviour will not be tolerated.
You have all the right to look out for your wellbeing, so honour your boundaries accordingly. And don’t forget, people don’t need to understand, validate or approve of those boundaries. You don’t need to give everyone a 50 page essay on why you hate to take phonecalls, or why driving in traffic gives you severe anxiety, or anything else. They just need to respect them – and if they respect you, they will be more than happy to oblige.