Today I want to discuss a mindset that is romantic in theory, but toxic in practice. And that is, the ride or die mentality.
What is the ride or die mentality? It’s the mentality that you should be unconditionally loyal to the other person (whether it’s a friend, family member, or romantic partner), no matter what happens.
What does this look like? If your partner goes into debt, you’re there to bail him out every time, no questions asked. If he slips up and cheats, you overlook it because he loves you so very much and apologised a thousand times. If a baby mama pops up out of nowhere, you learn to live with it. If he has no job and needs a place to stay and he’s so nice to you, you offer to let him stay at your place for “just a few days” that eventually turn into months as he mooches off of you. If your friend neglects you for months on end, forgets about your birthdate, and only reaches out when they need something; you tolerate it because they’re your friend and that’s what friends do right, they stick it out. And the list goes on…
If you cringed while reading that, it’s understandable. Self-awareness is the first step in making better choices. The ride or die mentality is unhealthy because it’s essentially self-sabotage, and I will explan why, by offering a different perspective to this highly romanticized and idealized approach to relationships.
1. You’re loyal to a person, instead of certain standards or principles
They can do anything, and you’ll forgive anything, because you love them. Even if the feeling is mutual, it’s still an unhealthy mindset to have because it leaves an opening for toxic behaviour on either end, under the name of commitment and love.
When you stay in an unhappy relationship (be it romantic or otherwise) because of commitment or loyalty, you are not doing yourself a favor. That’s the wrong thing to do for the right reasons. Because you love yourself, because you love the other person, you should walk away from anything that makes you unhappy (or makes the loved one unhappy). Sticking it out “because that’s what families do”, or “that’s what marriage is about”, etc. is not a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy situation.
2. It excuses them of any failures, because you’ll be there “no matter what”
For romantic situations, what this teaches a man is that his partner will always be by his side no matter what he does. Whether that’s bad behaviour, bad habits, bad financial decisions and more.
No, darling. He doesn’t have guaranteed access to you just because there is love between you two. That commitment is not unconditional. That commitment is conditional on treating you right, on honouring your needs, on meeting your standards, etc.
And the same truth applies to any other kind of relationship.
3. It teaches them to get comfortable and stop putting in effort
Men are hardwired to chase, to prove what they can do. If you show him he’s already got the prize without any effort (and without any ring), he’ll get comfortable and stop putting in the effort as he should. A romantic relationship is not an endgame where he earns the woman after a little courting. It’s like bread, needing to be remade day be day, showing through consistency and dedication that he still values you – and hasn’t given up proving that to you.
Friendship too, requires both people showing up, being supportive, remembering the important things for each other. It requires mutual effort and maintenance. Otherwise, much like a flower without water or sunlight, it cannot thrive and will eventually fall apart.
Do this instead…
You should be loyal not to a person, but to a level of standards, values, principles and beliefs. Those are things that do not change, do not oscillate or get compromised.
When you are loyal to certain high standards, automatically any people that fall short of those standards are out of the picture.
When you are loyal to certain values, anyone who disrespects those values is out of the picture.
When you have certain principles, anyone that breaks them is out of the picture.
Do you see where this is going?
Meanwhile, if you are loyal to a person, all of the above are open for interpretation, for compromise, for being ignored or overlooked for the sake of xyz reason. And that’s not something you ever want in a relationship! Because it’s easy to lose your head when you’re floating in the high of fun dates or getting cozy in a new relationship, or even in a marriage. It’s easy to justify overlooking the above, with one argument or another. And then another . . . and that ladies, is how you start lowering your standards.
And as quality queens, that’s not something we’re ever in the business of doing.
That’s why being loyal to our happiness, being loyal to our principles and high standards is the compass that leads us in the direction of abundance and, ultimately, high vibrational experiences.
