In previous articles, we have established what constitutes a High Value Woman, the dating commandments of a High Value Woman, and the most common obstacles that hold us back from implementing such dating strategies. But in order to replace our toxic dating habits with healthy ones, it is equally important to have a clear understanding on the difference between a High Value Man (upcoming articles on that next) and a Low Value Man.
Remember, this system of values is not about qualities that people are born with. It is not something outside our power that we have either inherited or not. Instead, this system of values is something that we all develop for ourselves, choose for ourselves, create for ourselves. It is about values, beliefs and principles. About priorities, morals and mindset. And it is also about good manners, empathy and emotional intelligence. All of which are he responsibility of each and every individual.
And if you hold yourself to high standards, you should absolutely do the same to everything else in life, especially a partner!
Here are the most common red flags of a Low Value Man, so you don’t have the learn the hard way…
1. Love bombing
Too much committment, too much adoration too soon is a tell-tale sign something is off. It can be a marker of insecurity, of unhealthy idealism or obsession. It can also mean they don’t actually see you for who you are, but are infatuated with an idea, an ideal, a fantasy. Not a crime by itself, but it foretells a relationship that will lack a stable, healthy foundation. Instead it will be a relationship built on how you make him feel, on what the idea of you means to him. Is that the kind of man you want to be with, or the kind of relationship you want to be in?
2. Future faking
The escalation of lovebombing. Just months, weeks or evend days in, a low value man will already be discussing engagement and marriage and kids, and paint a fairytale fantasy with such dedication that you may wonder if it’s too good to be true.
Such soulmate stories are certainly possible. However, if he promises the sun, moon and stars (which is all great) right off the bat, and other issues start popping up one after another, you should be on high alert! Other red flags can be: inconsistent behaivor, blowing hot/cold, his words (all beatiful fairytales) not aligning with his actions (not actually showing interest in your passions, aspirations, goals, not actually listening to you, making you cry on multiple occasions and lacking empathy in his reaction to it, etc), and any of the ones below.
3. Gaslighting
First, let’s review what gaslighting actually means: “Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.” – Medical News Today
To exemplify, he may gaslight you by saying phrases like…
- “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” (invalidating your feelings)
- “It’s just in your head.” (making you question your ration and discernment)
- “You’re overreacting.” (downplaying your feelings)
- “You shouldn’t be upset/affected by this.” (trying to control your feelings or tell you how you should feel)
Someone who exhibits gaslighting behaviour needs therapy, and will never make you feel truly safe or be beneficial for your wellbeing (and mental health) until they have sorted through their issues.
4. Lacking interest
If they’re not listening to you, if they’re not initiating interest in your day, hobbies, skills or interests; if they’re not congratulating or hyping your achievments and success; even worse, if he shows signs of envy over said achievements, and actively belittles or downplays them, in an unhealthy sense of insecurity and seeing you as competition (when in fact they should be on your team cheering for your success) . . . it’s time to take the hint. They don’t actually care about you.
5. No respect for boundaries
Disrespecting boundaries, challenging them, debating them, finding counter-arguments for them – if he does any of these things, he lacks basic respect or understanding for boundaries. He may say things like…
- “Well you need to face your anxiety with ___ and just do it, then you’ll be fine”
- “Come on, I know there’s chemistry between us, why follow some stupid traditions & old values instead of enjoying the moment?”
In either case, this is a person that believes anything is negotiable, including your feelings, thoughts, privacy and dealbreakers. Nope. That’s a low value man that deserves zero attention from you. Next.
6. Disinterest in foreplay
Yes, this needs to be said. No foreplay or minimal foreplay, as a regular occurrence is a HUGE RED FLAG.
It means they don’t value your enjoyment, they don’t prioritize it, and equally importantly, they don’t actually understand (or want to understand) how a woman’s body works. The female body is biologically designed to need at least 20 min of foreplay, based on scientific studies. If he doesn’t listen when you tell him, if he doesn’t listen still when you bring up scientific studies, then darling… do yourself a favor and move on.
This is not a person that deserves any kind of physical, let alone intimate privileges. Your sacred feminine energy deserves better.
7. Lack of financial ownership
Feeling comfortable about relying on you for money; asking for money repeatedly; even worse if done so with no self-consciousness – all these things mean they are taking advantage of you.
Here’s why: a HVM, if left with no other choice, would still ask family or friends for help instead of burdening his significant other. Why? Because he knows he’s supposed to be a an anchor for her, a support, a source of stability and reliability. And even if he must ask for her aid, a HVM would pay back his debts and then some, and then make sure it does not occur again! He would absolutely make sure he does not become a financial burden to those he is supposed to actually help lift up.
Instead, a LVM is very much comfortable making questionable financial decisions, and then rely on a partner, family or friends to bail them out, again and again . . . with no plan to actually remedy the issue, and that is where the issue lies. Their lack of financial responsibility. Men like this can equally bring about the financial ruin of the woman they’re in a relationship with, and have no qualms about it.
8. You feel unsafe with them
He makes you feel unsafe. Where’s the emotional security? Who knows, but it’s not in the relationship! You don’t feel protected or in good hands. There is an underlying tension, uneasiness in the relationship. You don’t feel anchored or relaxed; as if you are standing on shaky ground. You can’t think of your future together long-term, it just comes up blank, or the thought of it makes you anxious.
When you think of his character, his actions, his mindset, his expression of affection/love, you’re not convinced it’s “It”. If asked questions like moving in together, getting engaged, married, what would life look like with children together, your immediate reaction is “no”, “not really”, “I don’t want to think about it” or “I don’t know”.
Does any of this ring a bell?
When a man actually makes you feel safe and secure, when you know you have a a HVM in your life, the answers to those questions should be a clear calm “YES” without a flicker of a doubt! – Because he’s shown time and time again that you can trust him, lean on him, that his actions align with his words, that he prioritizes your wellbeing and happiness, etc. You will know.
9. Low emotional intelligence
In case of any conflict, he expects you to play sweetheart as if nothing happened. In case of any conflict, he expects you to initiate the resolution or damage control. If you don’t, he just pretends like nothing happened, or gives you the cold shoulder if you get frustrated, or may even resort to gaslighting to make you question if you’re the one who has issues.
This is abuse, period. This is a man with little understanding of emotional intelligence. Walk away.
10. Disinterest in your passions
If there is something essential to you, a hobby you are passionate about, or a career you want to dedicate your life to, or a sport that is vital to you – and he lacks any engagement or interest in this part of you, even after you made its importance clear, it’s a red flag.
If they really cared, they would put in the effort. They would make time for it. They would prioritize and reschedule tasks, to make sure they show you they care.
They’re not putting in the effort because they don’t care. That is fair, but what makes this individual a LVM is that they’re not owning up to this truth and are just stringing you along.
11. Narcissism
Getting defensive or triggered when being given any feedback, explanation or mention of hurting your feelings. Turning it around to be about him, victimizing himself, revolving the situation around his hurt feelings, indignation, pride, etc.
In essence, where he should be taking a healthy lead of responsibility and positive reaction by validating & acknowledging your feelings, and then seeking a solution together… instead he only centers the conflict around himself, with no regard to your feelings.
Everything is about him. In short, this person is not ready yet to be in a relationship: his universe revolves around himself only, and nothing outside of that.
12. Him vs. You (instead of Together vs. Issue)
Following up on the above… the inability to accept any kind of criticism or self-improvement suggestion. This is a red flag because it means his mindset is geared as a single unit, not as a couple.
It’s the mindset that “he should be accepted as is with no changes whatsoever”, which is unrealistic, especially if there are dealbreakers involved.
13. Disrespecting your friends
Disapproving of or actively insulting your friends is a no go! If he really cared about you and respected you, he would also value those dear to you, including your friends. He would put in the extra work to get to know your friends, to establish a connection, because if it’s important to you then it is important to him.
14. Covert bullying
Teasing, provoking, taunting you, even if he pretends it’s done so playfully, in jest. If you told him even once that it bothers you, and he still does it, it means he doesn’t actually care.
15. Guilt-tripping
Excusing their bad behaviour with some justification or other, argumenting that that’s the reason why they were snippy with you. He may say things like…
- “But you said ___, which you know bothers me.” (invalidating your feelings and putting the blame on you, while focusing on himself; instead of each taking ownership over the situation)
- “But you did ___, how else could I react?” (same issue)
- “Well I had a bad day.” (deflecting, finding excuses)
- “____ happened at work.” (deflecting, finding excuses)
The bottom line is there’s no winning with him. A low value man will find a justification for toxic behaviour no matter the situation, and the biggest problem is that he doesn’t realize there is an issue. And once again, that is not your responsibility to fix.
16. Toxic patterns of behaviour
Having any variation of this conversation:
Her: “So? That doesn’t justify you in treating me badly.”
Him: “Well don’t get upset, because it’s not about you, I’m not upset on you. I’m upset on the issue.”
Her: “Yes, but your bad behavior (aggressive, passive-aggressive, defensive, insults, lashing out etc) is affecting me. Of course it’s affecting me.”
Him: “But it’s not about you, so stop getting upset.”
(rinse repeat the same loop)
17. Physical abuse
Any form of physical abusive, of any degree at all. Something as harmless as a shove, a slap, a nudge. Throwing objects around, breaking glass. It always starts small, and gets worse. BOLT AT THE FIRST SIGN of physical abuse. Don’t analyze, don’t pause, just leave!
That man needs therapy, anger management, self-awareness, and healing. It’s not your job, will never be, can never be. It’s something that each person must do by themselves for themselves. No amount of “self-sacrifice” on your part is going to fix him, it’s only going to damage you more.
18. Inconsistency
There is a discrepancy between his actions and words. A low value man may say he loves you very much, yet not follow up with the actions that prove it (love language, acts of service, helping out with tasks, listening to you, etc).
19. Hot and cold
Playing hot and cold. One moment it’s honeymoon stage, the next it’s warzone, a rollercoaster for your nerves and mental health as you scramble to do whatever necessary to “make things right” and be on his good side again.
Nope, red flag. This is anxious/unhealthy attachment style, and High Value Women want nothing to do with that. Next.
20. Ignoring your privacy
Invading your privacy. Not respecting the boundaries of your belongings. Going through your bag when you’re not looking. Checking your messages, social media, laptop, phone, or journals. These are things a low value man can sometimes do.
Not respecting your privacy is dangerous red flag, make no mistake. It shows he views his partner as a possession, not as a human being whom he respects as having autonomy. It also means he doesn’t trust you because he’s got trust issues. It’s not about you, it’s about him.
21. Toxic jealousy
Getting angry, triggered or upset, making a scene whenever there is a mention of any male friend. Guilt-tripping you over having male friends, even if there is no base for his lack of trust, even if there is nothing there. His lack of trust, his guilt-tripping and his antagonization is a blaring red flag.
He is most likely projecting – he doesn’t trust you not to cheat on him because he knows he is a cheater/has cheated himself. Regardless, this is incredibly toxic and will scar you if you put up with it!
He’s got trust issues, and honey, that’s not a challenge which you need to prove otherwise. This is very important to understand. You’re not going to “redeem” his distrust or “change” him by giving in to his controlling behaviour and giving free, unconditional access to everything in your life to prove you’re “special” and worthy of his trust. You’re only opening the door for more abuse. Block, block, block.
22. In the bedroom, it’s his way or no way
Resistance to advice, or not taking any input or feedback when it comes to the bedroom. This is one of the biggest red flags, regardless of what argument they provide.
And a man that doesn’t care about your wellbeing has nothing to do in your bed.
23. Lacking intimate reciprocity
If he expects it by default, and he’s not offering it by default, something is wrong. Whether it’s double standards, some twisted perception of the body (yours, specifically), or not valuing your pleasure equally, are all bad signs. A High Value Man will be more than happy to worship your body – as he should, since it goes both ways.
24. His peers are toxic
If his circle of friends/best friends is either of the following: emotionally immature, petty, engage in immoral behaviour (cheating, physically or verbally abusive to their partners) and yet he does not actively step in or address said friends’ issue… What this says about Mr. Red Flag is that he either approves of, accepts, or tolerates all of these things. It’s that cut and dry.
One’s circle of friends, one’s closest peers, is what starts to define a person with time. If he’s constantly exposed to toxic behaviour, it’s inevitable he will either start emulating it, or he will reject it by trying to either walk away from those friends or actively help them. A high value man will do the latter, a low value man will to the former.
There’s no shades of grey here, ladies. A HVM will want nothing to do with such behaviour.
25. Abusing their power
A low value man can mistreat people he considers of lower means, over whom he can exert power: beggars, elders, customer support, waiters, etc. This includes being rude or downright bullying.
If they exploit their position of power to mistreat people they consider in “inferior” positions… just leave. There’s a whole encyclopedia of issues to unpack there, none of which are your problem.
Bonus tip: even if he treats you like a princess while bullying others, there will come a time when he decides to bully you too because you didn’t please him in one way or another. Ladies, it’s a bad character thing, not a “you’re special to him” thing.
26. Animal cruelty
This is not rocket science. If they consider certain animals should die, are “parasites”; if he doesn’t break a sweat at the idea of animal cruelty; or gets triggered and angry at the mere mention of veganism/vegetarianism (not even allowing a discussion, an open conversation, not even being open to listen), it’s safe to assume he lacks basic empathy for animals.
27. Disrespecting their family
A low value man is rude or disrespectful to their family (without being provoked, without any reason). This as well is very revealing of their character. It’s understandable if their parents were toxic to them, and he chose to cut them off – that’s one thing. But to be actively disrespectful to the people that raised him, just because he can, just to show dominance or be the bigger alpha? It means he lacks basic respect for the notion of family.
Conclusion
As a high value woman, it is crucial to know what you will and will not tolerate, to know what your standards are. You should be highly selective of your dating partners, and have a clear set of expectations in what constitutes a suitable partner for you. This implies that for a certain timeframe that you are comfortable with (whether that is 2 months or 1 year) you should be vetting your potential partner.
Don’t be blinded by their potential, and instead focus on what is! Take their actions at face value, not their words or what your idealistic imagination fashions him into being. If they tell you you’re too good for them, or they play around, they’re inconsistent, they’re indecisive, or any of the above mentioned red flags – for the sake of your mind, body, heart and soul, walk away at the first red flag. I promise you it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. A partner that is beneficial for your overall wellbeing will be so from the beginning; you don’t need to go through fire and brimstome to prove anything, or transform his life, or upgrade him. That’s his job. All you have to do is set your high standards, and say no to anything less.
And you know why? Because you deserve it! You’re worthy of the best man, the best relationship, the best love, because just as well you offer the best. Protect your mind, your heart, your body and spirit from any low vibrational experiences. Protect yourself by treating yourself like the treasure you are: worthy of a king, not a jester.
Remember my dear ladies, if you say yes to anything below your standards . . . the only person who will go through heartache, wasted time, wasted effort and more, the only person who will have to sacrifice everything, is you.
So stay committed to your happiness above all.
One Response
Loved this post! So well-written and full of good ideas.