There are things every woman should know about love, and I genuinely believe it should be taught to us before we start dating, instead of learning the hard way, ten years later.

Whether we like to admit it or not, love is on everybody’s mind, all the time. It’s romanticized in media, it’s capitalized on in this consumerist society, it’s essentially used as the end-all-be-all to life. And to be fair, I agree that it is the energy that makes the world go round. In the end, all everybody wants is to be loved, appreciated, valued for who they are.

But here’s what I don’t agree with: using the idea of love as a secret key to fix relationships. Unfortunately, these ideas further elaborated below, are highly propagated by the media. We see them validated in books, movies, tv shows, which only conditions people into false beliefs that are detrimental to their relationships.

Let’s get into it.

1. You can’t love the brokenness out of people

You really can’t. I know this may be a hard pill to swallow for some people, but you need the understand this fact.

Someone being depressed, heartbroken, suicidal or anything else, is not going to be magically “fixed” by your love. Does it help? Absolutely. It supports their healing, their recovery, offers them a pillar of support. But that patching up of their heart, and healing from their traumas, is something only they can do, as it is their core responsibility. You can’t make that choice, or that change, in their place. Only they can.

So let go of the notion that you can magically fix people with the pure power of your love. Free will reigns above all, and they have to make the choice to fix themselves – if they choose to.

2. Love sometimes isn’t enough

One of the main things every woman should know about love is this painful truth: love isn’t always enough.

Ever been in a relationship where the love between you two was so strong, so powerful and undeniable, and yet… it wasn’t enough to fix your differences? Any toxic behaviours on either end? It’s because it can’t.

Just because you love someone, doesn’t make any dealbreakers go away.

Just because you love someone, doesn’t make your differences in values, beliefs, priorities etc go away.

Sometimes, love by itself is not enough, and that’s because people love in different ways. Which brings us to the next point.

3. People love differently but that doesn’t make it any less valid

We all have different perceptions of the word “love”, and what it entails. For some person, it may mean committing 100% and doing anything for the other, including the tough, painful challenges in life. For another, it may mean sticking around only as long as they’re intrigued, or until they feel that their independence and freedom isn’t encrouched upon.

That doesn’t detract from the fact that it is love, in their own subjective perception, and that’s okay. It’s their truth, equally valid as your own truth.

4. You can’t “love” others into being different people

Another thing every woman should know about love, is that you can’t “fix” people with your live.

Whether it’s a matter of seeing potential that they’re not interested in growing, or trying to “love” your partner into giving up their rakish ways, thinking that your love will change your partner into being a different person, is detrimental to both yourself and them.

You, for wasting your time, investing effort, time and energy into building someone up in a way they’re not interested in; and them for having someone try to change who they are as an individual.

This theme of “woman’s love changes a player to give up his ways” is so common in TV shows, and it’s deluding girls and women into believing this is normal and healthy. It’s not. You shouldn’t have to do that work for him. If he wants to change, he’ll do it on his own accord for you, because that’s what a High Value Man does. If he doesn’t want to, you’re wasting both of your times, by trying to do his work in his place.

Focus on building yourself up darling, instead of someone else. You should always be your number one project. Your happiness, your personal and professional development should come first.

Be smart and invest in yourself first. With time, you will attract a partner that is on equal ground with his success and growth mindset, and that is the healthy approach to a relationship.