We’ve discussed in detail how to get your life together and start healing from all the past wounds. We’ve established the principles of a classy woman, the difference between toxic and healthy relationships, as well as the rules for high-value dating to make sure you’re investing your time wisely for both your heart and peace of mind.

Now it’s time for some real talk to address the main reasons that are holding you back from implementing High Value Dating rules, even when you want to, even when you know it’s the best thing for you (and yet you’re not there yet).

Let’s get into the nitty gritty because it’s this article calls for some tough love, but it is love regardless. Remember darlings, evolving to a better stage in life, becoming a better you and improving your standards… it is all a lifestyle and a mindset, not a marathon.

We all have our own rhythm and our own battles to face. This doesn’t subtract from your right to carve a better life for yourself. Whatever your timeline is, no matter how many times you slip and fall back on old habits, it’s your right to try again and again.

It’s your right to make your happiness a conscious choice and make it happen come what may. And don’t ever forget – you’re never alone.

1. You feel lonely

Maybe you’re working two jobs and a side hustle, are estranged with your family and living on your own in a new city for the first time in your life. Maybe it’s been a tough year and your self, your inner self, has forgotten what it’s like for a man to look at you, really look at you and see you for who you are, that feeling of sinking into the arms of another and finally feeling safe and seen and anchored in something steady and true.

Being a business-savvy, independent boss babe sounds like goals from start to finish. But learning to address your loneliness, understand it, work with it, overcome it, is a huge part of the process. For some women it’s easier, for others it’s a constant challenge. Sometimes you may feel on top of the world like you can take on anything and cannot fathom the other side of the fence – “needing a man” – and sometimes your world turns on its side and you feel the absence, quite dearly, of having a masculine presence beside you that is comforting and grounding.

In essence, it’s only human. We’re not invincible, and our strengths and weaknesses are equally transient and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel any or all of those things. You should absolutely let yourself feel them, don’t just bottle them up in denial or oblivion.

But what really matters is that you become mindful of this process. Ask yourself why you feel this way. Where does the root of it come from? Is there a childhood wound this emerges from, a missing parent or distant father? If it helps, try journaling or writing in your diary as a way to understand the narrative behind your loneliness. Try to connect the dots, the patterns.

Once you start understanding where you’re coming from, it will be easier to work with your loneliness instead of against it. Brainstorm a list of things that you feel would lessen the ache of it. Perhaps investing more in your circle of friendships will give you the sense of fulfillment you really need in feeling Seen. Perhaps taking up new hobbies or tasks and staying busy (after doing the initial work of addressing it above) will make it easier to navigate it step by step.

Although a romantic partner is a unique (albeit not essential) role in one’s life, most often than not the loneliness we feel stems not from having a partner in our life, but from this: the ancient, age-old, tribal sense of community, of being part of a whole, of being a group where we feel we make a difference. It’s about feeling seen and being heard and feeling wanted.

It’s the same drive that propels us to find the right job or professional outlet – being able to contribute to society in a way that makes us feel fulfilled. When you look at it from this perspective and understand this ancient, human need, the one we all have, it sheds a deeper light on the chronic loneliness that people all over the world feel. It’s the mania that social media programs into society as well, but at the root of it lies our human need to realize our sense of unity and importance in this universe.

This is why, finding our community (whether religious, spiritual, entrepreneurial, or just our own soultribe), or finding our soul path and that ideal dream career . . . it provides a different sense of fulfillment, of peace, that naturally heals the ache of solitude.

2. You don’t feel strong enough

This one’s a catch-22 or vicious cycle. Let me explain. We tend to self-sabotage when our actions are not in alignment with our core values.

Let’s say all the principles discussed in the high value dating article resonate with you, so they are part of your core values. However, your actions don’t align with these (you don’t act on them) because of multiple reasons:

Starting with not feeling strong enough. Feeling like right now, right here, you can’t handle everything on your own. You feel powerless, so you enable co-dependent relationships, relationships which further validate this truth within you (that you need help, that you can’t do it on your own, that you need them in your life, etc)… You see how the cycle repeats? It is also our attitude of complacency, of feeling powerless or in need of help, which upholds our belief that we are all of those things.

How to break this cycle: step out of the cycle. Stop feeding that toxic belief. Stop validating that truth because it’s not actually true. You’re powerful! You’re strong! You can do anything you put your mind to. If you’re entertaining a relationship or situationship which is doing you no good, just pick up the courage to end it.

It doesn’t have to be terrible, toxic or unhealthy to end it. It’s enough if it’s not the right one for you. You feeling like it’s not what you want, is enough of a reason! You’ll see once you move on, that you’ll feel much better with time. Maybe not overnight, maybe not easily. But it will come, I promise.

3. Emotional attachment

We’re social creatures. We’re meant to unfold and bond in our community, we’re meant to socialize and form attachments. This is not a bad thing. You may or may not have had a time when you wished you could just go about your plans without getting emotionally attached, but there is beauty and strength in being able to form connections. There’s nothing wrong with getting emotionally attached to a relationship or situationship which you later realized is not helping you grow, or is not what you want (anymore).

Just recognize the truth of your core values (what you truly want), and act on them. Release the tie, keep the friendship if you want, cut them off, do what feels right. It doesn’t have to be messy, but if you know in your heart they’re not right for you, then make the change. Let them go! Choose your happiness, even if it’s not happening now, even if it may happen in 1 or 5 years, when you meet someone who IS right for you.

4. Emotional/mental health still in recovery

You may be in a stage of your life where there are too many challenges overlapping. If that is the case and you feel that your mental health, your heart, your soul, is still in recovery… nevermind dating! That’s something sweet to focus over later, the cherry on top of the cake that is your life.

Darling, right now you need to focus on rebuilding the steady foundation of your SELF, so that you’re not drowning in your own chaos. Putting yourself together piece by piece, making yourself feel whole again, that is your priority.

Perhaps you are struggling with depression or its telling symptoms. You know that feeling when all the colors of life seem drained and faded as if someone switched off all colors and light? Trying to sleep in all the time, finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning? Insomnia, restlessness? Feeling disoriented or uprooted, as if you’re just floating indefinitely without any firm grip on your own life and everything seems rather meaningless in the long run . . . if this is you, it’s okay. It gets better. Let’s just take it one step at a time, okay love?

Perhaps you’re still trying to overcome anxiety, PTSD, trauma, etc. This is no light thing to brush aside in your quest to get better, and it requires a specialist’s guidance, and the sooner you reach out for help, the sooner you give yourself the chance to get better, and find the peace and relief you deserve.

What helps:

Get therapy. A specialist can best help with your particular narrative. This is not a thing to be embarrassed, afraid or self-conscious about. Now more than ever people are opting for therapy because it’s a very healthy thing to do – day to day people, teachers, teenagers who grew up in loving homes, married couples who love each other dearly and still face obstacles after 2 or 20 years, let alone people who have suffered deeply. It doesn’t matter, reaching out to a specialist is an act of bravery and self love.

They can guide you to navigate your pain points, vulnerabilities, wounds of childhood, toxic patterns in choosing a partner, issues of self-worth or addiction, anger management, the list is endless. Nothing compares to having a guide, a mentor who can help you better understand what happened, how it affected you, and what you can do to move on or get better or learn to deal with it.

Focus on selfcare, self love and recovery. Focus on healing and patching yourself back together, and growing to a place where you feel anchored into yourself again. Why? Because when you feel broken, when your mind is not clear, when you’re still heartbroken or hung on an ex or an old love – it’s NOT the time to be dating! I say this with all the love possible.

If you date when you’re heartbroken over another, you haven’t yet healed and there’s no space for the new in your life, you’ll just tangle yourself up emotionally by adding another person into the mix, and it most often ends in pain.

If you date when you’re emotionally distraught, all over the place, or struggling with low self-worth, you’re exposing yourself to messy situations (situationships) where you can be easily taken advantage of, manipulated, and played to say the least. Simply because you’re not in a healthy and balanced state of mind. And what do you attract then? Other individuals and relationships that are not healthy or balanced.

Conclusion

May this article help you confront what’s holding you back from choosing better partners for yourself, by offering accountability and guidance. Remember, you should always do what’s best for you. Above all, your selfcare and mental health comes first. Makes sure that you are whole and fulfilled within yourself, so that any other partner in your life is only a luxury, instead of a necessity. Otherwise, that is when the attachment turns co-dependent, toxic, and only leads to heartache.

Until next time, angels…