This is going to be a lengthy, messy and raw one. This is me saying you’re not alone, you do deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship, and yes, it gets better. Everybody goes through this. This is a step by step guide that takes you by the hand on how to get over a break up, and which you can refer to again and again, as many times as you need.

1. The break-up itself

From my experience, the actual break-up is the hardest and most painful part. Whether it was intentional, or just a desire sitting at the back of your head and then it just happened, or if it unfolded any other way, that’s the hardest step.

In the first days and first weeks, focus on basics. Don’t take rash decisions on making changes. Don’t change your hair, or alter your style, or move across the country. Instead, take things one step at a time, reschedule tasks or appointments which are overwhelming you at this time, to a few weeks or even months ahead. Right now you need to focus on you.

2. The denial

Some people skip this step, others don’t. Denial is a natural reaction either way, because it’s your mind trying to protect you from the conceived painful memory or emotion. And it works – but it’s not a balm that helps the wound heal, it’s a duct tape stuck onto a deep crack, and it only works for a brief time. And the more duct tape you stick onto the crack, the deeper the crack becomes and eventually it’s going to burst open.

So what I’m saying is this: denial has it’s use. But don’t wallow in it. Even if you don’t feel ready yet, don’t wait too long, start move forward. The sooner you move to Stage 3 – Processing, the sooner you can start to heal.

3. Processing

This is about doing what you have to in order to process – mentally, emotionally, physically – everything about the breakup. This is subjective and differs from person to person, so do what feels intuitive to you. Whether it’s burying yourself in books, binge-watching movies or TV shows, going beastmode at the gym, going pub-hopping (not in the current circumstances, but you get the point) or anything else.

It will help you move on to Stage 4, because you can’t heal without addressing the wound first and getting into the nitty-gritty. BUT if you feel no need for any of these, jump straight to Stage 4.

A: Unhealthy ways

You may feel like doing these… I don’t advise it because it enables unhealthy patterns of behavior, but if you really really need to hit rock bottom just to purge those ghosts and process everything and let yourself feel? Girl, do it once (maybe twice), but that’s it, no more excuses – process and then move on to Stage 2.

• listening to sad, depressing music
• watching movies on breakups/romance which are triggering or enabling unhealthy behaviour
• wallowing on the bathroom floor having a breakdown

B: Healthy ways

• Journal and write in your diary like crazy. Process everything you need and let it out.
• And/or talk to a loved one, open up about what happened, get it out of your system.

4. The aftermath

The quiet, the silence after, the absence, may be jarring. Simply because you’ve gotten unaccustomed to it. Gotten too used to the homey, familial and familiar bustle of domestic commotion. Maybe you were living together with them, maybe you lived apart; either way there is an absence which you feel.

You’ll want to cover up the quiet because it’s too heavy, and that’s ok. That’s what’s needed right now.

If you toss around in bed at night, feeling the ghost of their arms being held all night – stuff the bed with pillows, let the TV run in the background until you can sleep at ease again.

If the place feels uneasily quiet, put some relaxing music, or better yet your favorite upbeat music, even if right now you don’t feel like it. If you need something more active, let an uplifting or motivating podcast, radio or video play in the background.

If you feel unmotivated or distraught, force yourself to do the opposite (once you’re done processing of course). Tidy up around the place, cook some nutritious food, stretch your muscles, journal a bit. Do activities or hobbies which you enjoy and which take your mind off things. These daily selfcare practices will help you so much.

If your home doesn’t feel homey or welcoming without them – then make sure you clean the whole place all over, vacuum, dust things off, clean, do laundry, do the dishes. Once everything is clean, open the windows for fresh air & energy to seep into the walls, light a candle, light some incense. Play some jazz music or classical music that will ease your heart. Fluff up the pillows, spread out freshly cleaned, soft blankets. Play your favorite feel-good movies in the background. Close your eyes and take a deep breath: you’re going to make it. You’re going to be ok, love.

If your body feels unloved, don’t run into the arms of another in order to forget about them, or distract from the pain of them. Instead, take a hot bath with salts, essential oils and oils. Let it soak into your skin, let your body relax completely. Just splash around in the bubbly bath until your mind becomes more still. Once you’re done… it’s selfcare time. Massage your whole body, do a hair treatment, scrub your lips, exfoliate. Lotion up your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Do your nails if you want. If you’re feeling extra (always feeling extra, ladies!) put on something nice even if you’re just staying at home, spritz on perfume, do your make-up. Look and feel good for yourself. Why? What do you mean why? You don’t need a why. Do what makes you feel good, boo! Do what makes you feel like a bombshell. Now is the perfect time to go extra on the #selflove.

If you miss going on trips, shopping or browsing or visiting places, call up some friends and make it happen. You don’t need a romantic partner to have fun and enjoy the small things in life.

If you miss the little gifts and attentions they used to give you, spoil yourself and give yourself what you need. Don’t wait on someone else to give it to you. Maintain your high standards and expectations.

If you feel lonely or alone at any point, call up a friend or family and let it off your chest. Your loved ones care about you and want your best. Know that it’s okay to reach out for help, you don’t have to go through this – or anything else – alone.

If heavy thoughts bubble up (anger, frustration, resentment, anything unspoken, anything at all), take out a piece of paper and write them a letter. Write 2, 50, 200 pages if you need, just let it out. When you’re done, burn the letter or keep it, it’s your choice. The important thing is to let it out. Don’t allow it to ruminate and fester inside you. Release it so you can heal.

5. The adjustment

The silence that seemed to weigh down on you before will start to feel lighter. You won’t run from it or hide in denial or strive to cover it up, just to avoid facing the wound. You won’t feel the need anymore to keep the TV on or play louder music. In fact, you’ll start to crave the silence, to just kind of sit with it, become aware of it, relax into it.

Much like with a sizzling-hot bath, you’ve eased your way into the empty spaces and silence they’ve left behind – step by step, slowly, gradually. Until the absence doesn’t feel so pressing and overwhelming anymore, until you realize the truth of it – there’s nothing to be frightened of. It’s just you, you that will always be there, you that will always be there for you and hold your hand and forgive you and hold you against everything always and always. Anything and anyone else is a bonux, an addition or a luxury, not a necessity. You are whole and strong on your own. You are worthy and you are enough on your own.

This adjustment may take time. It may be a couple of weeks, months, maybe even years depending on how deep the ties between you two were. But time heals everything, and we move on. Those feelings that you had or may still have? They go away. It’s just a matter of time. All that will remain is a faint memory.

6. The healing

The silence will start to feel like peace. Like intentional, welcoming, healing peace. If you could compare what you feel now with what you felt while in the relationship, you’d realize this truth all the more – the difference between noise – uneasy silence – peace.

You know you’re healing, when days, weeks, months pass and you don’t think about them.

You know you’re healing, when you hear their name from a colleague or friend or acquaintance and the sounds that make up their name no longer trigger an emotional reaction in you. It’s just a name, it’s just a faint memory, it was what it was, good and bad, but you’ve moved on. What else can you do? You move on.

You know you’re healing, when you see a photo of them, or you see them again, and you think nothing of it. You’re no longer interested in going back. You’re no longer interested in retaking the whole narrative, all the wounds, the memories. You’re fine with having buried the past, made peace with it, and moved on to better things. Just the thought of doing otherwise will feel like a heavy, uneasy, dirty or dim energy. It’s because it’s in the past. And it’s in the past because it was broken.

You know you’re healing, when the thought of them with someone else triggers nothing in you. Out of sight, out of mind. You genuinely wish their best, and hope they are happy, and have/will find happiness in someone else.

You know you’ve healed, when you no longer feel broken.

You know you’ve healed, when you open to love again.

7. The new normal

You’re single and thriving, focusing on your goals, your business, living the life. You’re focusing on you. You feel whole, and you’re over the past. If anything, you’re perfectly content being solo, or even start dating again because now you know what you want and you’ll accept nothing less. You know you’re a queen and due only a king.

Or you’ve found a partner who lights up your world and gives you what you need. Whether it’s peace, or support, or everything you can imagine. It feels easy and effortless, they just understand you. You’re on the same level, the same frequency. And you wonder why it had ever been so hard with others and why you stuck around for so long when it was so painful trying to fix something or connect two pieces that just weren’t meant for each other.

You’ll wonder… how could you have not known? That there was so much better waiting out there for you? A relationship that is healthy, and uplifting, and it feels like a dream come true? How did you now know that of course you deserve better and WILL find better? You’ll wish you could go back in time to embrace yourself and tell yourself that better times are coming. To just be patient, and not give up, and know that you deserve the best the world has to offer.

Don’t give up. You are enough, and you will find what you are looking for – whether it’s to feel whole within yourself, or if you already do, then to open the door to only healthy, fulfilling relationships. I wish you only the best.

You are so very loved.

Note: this is a guide on how to get over a break up, as well as a documentation of my personal journey, written as closure for healing purposes. I wrote this for self reference as well as in hope that it may help others to see a clearer path through a messy, painful break up.