The “friends with benefits” terminology has been popularized over the past 2 decades through pop culture and romcoms that only romanticized the idea, and made it more socially acceptable for the developing generation at the time:

The idea that it’s normal to dissociate love from lust, affection from desire, the heart from the body.

The idea that, an agreement where two people only satiate their lust in each other, and nothing else, can only be mutually beneficial.

This belief has become so engrained that, years later, it’s almost controversial for a woman to come outright and exclaim that a friends with benefits arrangement (or situationship) is actually detrimental to her wellbeing.

Before we dive in to analyze why that is true, here’s a foreword for the 3 different perspectives you may have about this topic.

A foreword…

To women yet wary due to notions of independence, “the modern woman”, and sexual freedom: I ask that you consider the possibility for a moment that all said within this article is indeed true, and that by accepting friends with benefits, you are sabotaging yourself and setting yourself up for heartache one way or another. Could you truly go through with it knowing you’re setting yourself up for heartache? Is that a future, present, past you can live with? Consider your sense of self-love, self commitment. How many times have you grown attached to your partner in a situationship?

How many times did you feel heartache after realizing you missed them? Or wanted to spend time with them, feel their affection? Most of all, knowing they owed you nothing, that you had no right to ask for this or that? That they could flounder around with whoever and however many as they pleased, because there’s no agreement otherwise? How many times have you felt the lingering, faint taste of bitterness, of feeling used? If you could avoid all those situations, wouldn’t you? If the answer is yes, read on to find out how.

To men who may be triggered by this article: perhaps you should question why you would disapprove of something that is actively detrimental to the woman honoring you by sharing her body, her feminine energy, her time. More exactly, what does it say of a man’s principles when the only reason he’s upset by a woman’s boundaries, is if he no longer benefits from them?

If those are the only things important to you in a woman, it’s time to question your relationship with the female principle, if you truly wish to find happiness in a relationship in the future. You see, those boundaries are something to be honoured. Perhaps you shouldn’t be upset at a woman establishing higher standards which exclude you. Instead, invest your energy in raising your own. That’s what a gentleman would do: level up the same way the lady in question finally is.

To women that already understand the truth of this article: I applaud you. Your body, just like your mind, heart and soul, is a sacred temple to honour and treasure. One which deserves only respect, and those that know how to treasure it. It is forbidden to those that come and go as they please, that promise no devotion, that understand nothing of respect.

Why Friends With Benefits is Exploitative

As humans, we are biologically designed to get attached to those closest to us, to form attachment especially through affection and sexual connection. It is inevitable that you get attached to someone you are sharing your body with.

This is not a possibility, this is an inevitability.

It is not a “blunder” or “accident” that you need to brush off or sweep under the rug with shame over your own “silly emotional nature” as a woman. It’s you being human, as it should be! It’s not something to hold embarrassment over as you sip on a Martini with your girls and fawn over the latest crush in your life.

Men NEED sexual relief, and the sexual energy of a woman.
Women WANT sexual relief.

Women NEED emotional connection.
Men WANT emotional connection.

What is the conclusion to be drawn from this equation, generalized as it may be? That a woman agreeing to friends with benefits arrangements is essentially sacrificing too many things for an end that she doesn’t really need, and which ultimately will lead to her own heartbreak.

Does that sound like a worthwhile investment for a smart, high value woman? Certainly not.

Relief can likewise be offered by other means which don’t lead to heartbreak – yourself, innovative tools, imagination. Meanwhile, a friends with benefits arrangement benefits the man greatly. Why? Because his needs are met, while he owes no commitment, nor anything else for that matter. He could enter as many situationships as he desires. And there would be no say in the matter from any woman he’s with.

And when feelings start to grow, as with time they are bound to, that is when things get tangled up. As a woman, she begins craving an emotional connection. It can be said that is akin to commitment, to emotional security, in other words, to a relationship. She has already shared her body, her sensual energy, the power of her divine feminine energy with this man. Yes, she feels seen, but not known in the true depth of her being.

She craves to be known, for that is what intimacy ultimately is. Furthermore, she craves to feel contained by him (not to be confused as a synonym for “trapped” or any negative connotation). To be sheltered under his protection, his masculinity, much like a pearl developing in the safe containment of a shell.

She craves connection. And friends with benefits offers no such thing by general rule.

Why is Friends With Benefits so common?

Up until perhaps 70 years ago, more traditional values reigned. Certainly, that came as a package deal with a slew of toxic, outdated and sexist beliefs. But what it did do well, was honor the model of a monogamous relationship where the previously mentioned inherent need for containment was fulfilled, at least on an idealistic level. Men courted women, took them out on dates, they invested as much effort as needed. The scope was ultimately marriage, which was clear on both ends.

This model was very clear to all, which is why it was so straight-forward. It wasn’t a tangled labyrinth of modern and outdated values. Nor was it a shuffle of infinite options like swiping left and right ad nauseam. With time, it changed. That is both good and bad, as all development is. On one hand, it was an inevitable side-effect for the relationship and dating models to change, as a result of so many changes and movements on the independence and empowerment of women, in establishing equality between the genders.

But honestly? Equality should no longer be the goal, however much amazing progress that movement has brought forward.

Equity should now be the goal. Because genders are not identical, they all have their beautiful differences. And by treating them the same you are doing them a disservice on one level or another. They deserve to be treated with equal respect, yes, but that doesn’t translate to treating them the exact same way. If you give a group of random 10 strangers a box to sit on, of the same height, do you think they will have equal visibility over a high wall? Of course not, because they’re all different, and as such have different qualities and requirements. Treating people the same isn’t the solution; it’s treating them in a way that honors their differences.

The truth is, the older and more traditional model (excluding its toxic aspects, which is a topic for another article) honoured the inherent dynamic of the masculine/feminine principle. Regardless of gender, this fulfilled those instinctive needs mentioned earlier. The woman feels safe, contained. Her boundaries are respected. She is courted by men and is clear in her interest, and chooses as she wishes.

The man on the other hand learns the importance of fighting for what he wants. He enters his masculine energy through this chase, this hunt, this courtship of the woman he is interested in. With his dedication, he proves himself to be a suitable partner for her through the dates and time they spend together. He also shows he can provide for her by handling the financial aspect of the dates. Lastly, he makes sure she is taken care of, has a good time, and feels protected in his presence. She in turn shares her nurturing, soothing energy, her feminine magic, her creative fire.

It is like a dance, with a complementary flow. One where neither needs to compromise their integrity or boundaries or even comfort, to further the bond.

Compare this with today’s model:

Modern dating and its challenges

People are confused by their roles in dating and relationships: who texts first? who pays for dinner? who handles parenting or household chores? They no longer know what’s the social etiquette because there is so much contradictory information, and so much acclaimed freedom in expression. The infinite number of options that we’re showered with, not to mention the behavioral models, situationships (exlusive or non-exclusive dating, friends with benefits/F buddies/no strings attached), and the FOMO (fear of missing out) syndrome only makes any genuine quest to find meaningful connection more challenging.

And so, people are no less driven by a need to connect, and no less lonely than in older times. On the contrary: there is an overflow of loneliness crippling our society, because there’s so much information and so much virtual connection through the universality of the internet, that we’ve forgotten how to connect in the real world.

Consumerism has programmed us into viewing everything as an object to be used, including relationships. And lightning-fast technological development has taught us to expect every process in our daily lives to be as immediate as possible… or we lose interest. Tap-tap, dopamine kick.

And dating apps are no different, having adapted to the pervasive low attention threshold of Tik-tok era and fast-paced processes. Additionally, studies have shown (Breslow et al., 2020) that increased usage of dating apps corelates with higher levels of objectification and body surveillance, and lower levels of body image satisfaction and self-esteem. Not great, right?

Besides, that’s not how human connection works, it’s not how trust is built or intimacy is founded. Swipe left, or swipe right – that’s today’s model of dating. Minimal effort, superficial conversations, all underlying a deeper emptiness, loneliness, anxiety and insecurity, because by definition such a model only breeds the very things that drive people to it.

When this is the standard, and they’re constantly bombarded by external validation of this model being the standard, no wonder so many women inevitably cave in and try to please the crowd by running along with it, or they cave in simply because it seems like the lesser evil… and along the way, lowering their standards, compromising their boundaries, ignoring their dealbreakers, settling for less and many other things, including even endangering themselves just for the need for intimacy and connection.

So how do we honor ourselves?

How do we not fall prey to our weakness?

Claiming that rejecting the 50/50 model and upholding a more traditional dating approach is easy in today’s world, would be a lie. As with anything new, there is resistance.

But as a high value woman, you shouldn’t let that stop you from making better choices, including your approach to dating. Desire comes and goes – whether for connection or anything else – and that is the flow of life, it is normal.

The question is, how do you nurture that natural desire for connection, while still honoring yourself?

1. If you crave connection or social interaction in a romantic context: practice high value dating (once a month, once a week, whatever suits you), on your own terms. Have clear boundaries in place, and know what you’re looking for, and what you’re not looking for. Remember… if you don’t know your boundaries, other people won’t either!
2. If you just need physical release or pleasure: invest in quality toys that will assure your satisfaction for a long time to come (no pun intended).
3. PS: no matter what you do, don’t use an ex as a crutch to forget about the loneliness! They can’t fix it. You broke up, remember? And it remained broken for a reason.

Conclusion

Ladies, I hope this helps in realizing why it is important to honour your time, energy and body the way it deserves.

Remember that above all, you are free to make your own choices. Just be aware which choices in the long term may cause heartache or regrets, simply because we are always aware on some level of the wonderful things we truly deserve… even if we don’t yet have the confidence to reach for them.

But reach out ladies, reach out and manifest the world you desire.

And that begins with self love, by honoring yourself.