Unfortunately, in today’s society being single is akin to a sentence.

Social norms have made us feel like our relationship status is directly correlated with our worth, our status in society, and consequently our inherent value. And it certainly does not help that this false and toxic belief is further perpetuated by the media which regurgitates the same cliches about singlehood or single women (cue scenes with women binging on icecream tubs, all weepy-eyed with a bird’s nest of a hair while stalking their exes, or the trademark one-nightstand scenes with the eskewed belief that “it’s just sex”)… or that life imitates art when our younger generations begin emulating the same behaviour and mindset.

And the cycle continues.

For those of us having grown up in such an environment, it’s challenging to slough off this belief system revolving around being single. It’s there at the back of our heads, an anxious self-awareness at the edge of our vision. It exists in some unfathomable space within ourselves, much like a deep abyss whose depth intimidates us. We’re afraid to dip our toes into it, let alone leap head first. That fear is what keeps so many women clinging to unhappy relationships, to entertain dating men (most often low value ones) they are lukewarm about yet still continue, and many other scenarios of the sort that, let’s be honest, benefits everyone else but the women themselves.

It’s this reluctance to peer into the abyss for fear of what we may find.

Society has ingrained into us that what we’ll find in that abyss will be unbearable, and anything is better than that. But what is that unbearable unnameable thing? It has been labeled loneliness, emptiness. But the truth is, that unnameable thing is nothing other than our reflection: ourselves.

What they have taught us to do, is to be terrified of facing our own selves, our own inner worlds, our vulnerabilities – in other words, our own magical, beautiful, unfathomably deep abyss. Your inner world is meant to be an abyss of many mysteries! It was never meant to be a pink shallow puddle you can skip over with rain boots.

It is only frightening if you always keep the lights turned off and regard it with shame, self-consciousness and denial. All those things which make us want to avoid confronting the truth of our singlehood – our loneliness – because it’s like ripping the band-aid off a fresh wound.

But that band-aid is necessary for healing. And to heal, it is necessary to face the wound, and most important of all, to face ourselves.

Those parts of you hidden deep in the abyss want to be known, want to be seen, and want to be embraced as worthy of your acceptance.

So why not explore those magical depths and reclaim your power, rewrite the narrative about being single? Knowledge is power, and when you know yourself within, you will never be afraid again of your own abyss.

“Oh, she’s single, and she’s rocking it.“

Here’s how.

1. Use being single to discover yourself

The most important thing you should do in life is get to know yourself. That’s where everything begins!

Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself. Date yourself. Spoil yourself. What are your hobbies, your favorite books or movies? What tea do you like to drink? What’s your love language? What’s your comfort food or comfort activity? What is important to you in life? Go deeper: what are your life goals? What are your boundaries and standards?

Journal, write in your diary. Read books, watch movies. Meditate. Do whatever you feel is necessary to explore the depths of your identity, your heart, your mind and soul. It is such a beautiful journey to embark upon, one that will last until the end of your lifetime, because we are always becoming & unbecoming… and discovering ourselves as we do it.

Become your best friend! It’s the single (no pun intended) best decision you’ll make in your entire life. The best foundation for success and confidence is self-awareness and selflove. Master both, and you’re set for success – whatever you decide to tackle next.

2. Grow as an individual while being single

After a solid foundation of trust and self awareness, it’s time to create powerful habits and mindsets which will change your life: making it a habit to work on the most important project of your life, and that is you.

Learn a new language, a new skill. Try out a new hobby, join a book club. Sign up for online courses. Take singing or dancing classes or see if programming languages are a fit for you or learn anything else you want.

Think of all the ways you can enhance your life’s resume. Don’t wait for that moment when you wake up 20-30 years later and wish you could’ve accomplished those other things and yet never did.

You are the most important investment you will ever make. The greater care you take of your mind, body, heart and soul, the greater the rewards you will reap throughout your life. Self development, once finetuned into a daily attitude, will make you stand out as a high value woman among a crowd of people that are self-complacent and happy to remain mediocre.

Don’t be one of them.

Be exceptional. Be the best you that you can be. You owe it to yourself, and the only person who can make that happen, is you.

3. Grow professionally

If you have not yet started laying the groundwork for advancing in your dream career, now is the time to do so.

Who do you want to be? How do you want to help the world? What are your passions, your skills? How are you able to best aid others? What is the intersection of your passions + what you can do + what you can monetize + what helps others? That’s your calling right there. Get out there and make it happen! Start confused, start excited, start any way you want – just start!

It only takes one step at a time. Before you know . . . you’ll be building your own empire. And isn’t that the goal, ladies?

4. Decide what you want in life

When you’re single and free as the bird in the sky, it’s the perfect time to actually sit down and figure out what your goals are for your future, for your career, your ideal life, your ideal relationship. Now is the time to establish the blueprint for the life you truly desire.

No longer constrained by the responsibility, commitment and consideration of a life partner; of marriage or children; this means you can take your sweet time being selfish (positive connotation) and exclaim to the universe “THIS is what I want”, instead of allowing the chaotic currents of life flow as they may and decide for you. Use that to your advantage. You are the heroine of this story. And it’s time to rewrite the narrative.

5. Have a clear vision for future relationships

If and when you decide to step into a relationship again, there are certain things to keep in mind.

Leaping from relationship to relationship and taking whatever comes your way is a low vibrational mindset that will do you no favours. You can’t just say yes to everything that is offered to you, because that is how you end up in messy situationships, and that is how you get your heart broken.

If you desire a relationship of quality and substance, you have to make a conscious decision over what kind of relationship you want. Write a list of Must Have’s, Can Have’s, Dealbreakers, and anything else you can think of. Start by reviewing your past relationships and revise your list accordingly.

Create a new baseline of standards for yourself. If you hit any bumps in the road, don’t be afraid to hold yourself accountable, yet forgive yourself and do better next time. Growth takes time! If you want to make a powerful change in your life, it has to begin by getting clear on what a happy relationship looks like for you, and be frank about it.

Understand that any physical requirements are nice to have, but they should not be the focus. A handsome, fit man is not mutually exclusive with being a low value man. Unless you’re willing to make that compromise, be honest about priorities, and what will actually make your heart happy.

What makes you happy is subjective to you, and relative to your needs. But the qualities which should take priority are those that are inherent and carry weight. Things like loyalty, trustworthiness, inspiring safety, kindness, integrity. The list goes on.

Through this whole process, don’t forget that the same qualities you wish to attract in a partner, should also be present in you. If you crave a partner that is trustworthy, loyal and kind, you can’t be sketchy and evasive with your activities, unreliable and inconsiderate. You have to be in sync with the energy you desire to attract. In other words, if your eyes are set on a high value man, focus on becoming a high value woman first (see point 3).

6. Enjoy the peace while being single

Ladies, ladies. Inner peace, peace of mind, all kinds of peace – is so underrated, yet it can make a world’s difference.

Make it daily practice to enjoy the peaceful quiet, get intimately acquainted with it. When you’re at home, when you’re on a vacation, when you’re in a car or on the street, relax into the quiet. Push past any instinct to cover it up, to make up for awkwardness or uncertainty. It is the people that stand most still and speak less but convey more power, that come across as most confident and alluring, for they become much like the eye of the storm, around which the chaos revolves but nothing actually touches.

Get so comfortable with the quiet that it will feel like your normal. That way, if or when you decide to date again, that standard of peace will remain as a baseline requirement. And anybody who disturbs your peace will not even be a potential candidate, simply because they’re not a beneficial addition to your life.

When you change your baseline, your life quality follows along.

7. Be honest with yourself

I’m not in the business of sugarcoating things. Being single is not a joyride 24/7, let’s be honest.

There are challenges that come with it, no matter what your age is, your gender, your orientation or preferences, or any other aspect of you. Challenges come with the territory, because we are genetically built to be social creatures. And so, being single and making the best of it without feeling like it is a burden at some point in time, is unavoidable and usually a balancing act. That’s just the truth.

A friend may make a comment, or an acquaintance, a colleague, or a family member. There may be events or activities unfolding which only remind you that in your local circle, you may be the only one who’s not in a relationship, or you happen to attend weddings and events that require a +1. The list goes on. But that is the way today’s society is constructed, and you can’t let that derail you from your focus. From your dedication to become a high value woman, who constantly improves herself, and everything she offers herself as well. It’s your life, and your rhythm. You get to decide what happens next, and only you know what will make you happy.

As you may guess, this balancing act is one between two things:

• …Mindfulness, selflove, self-awareness and choosing to do the things that are right by you, even if it’s hard or painful – ie. refusing to engage in one night stands, casual hook ups and more, just to appease that anxious whirl within, that hunger for something more, that loneliness. Those types of behaviours are only caused by and will further result in self-sabotage. They will not fix the hunger or make it go away, except for one night. And then you will wake up with double the amount of heartache.
• …And taking ownership of your needs and vulnerabilities, and taking care of them much like you would with a partner itself. Looking up activities to do on your own, attend book clubs and meet new people if you’re lonely, taking yourself out on fancy dates, learn to have dinner on your own, spoil and pamper yourself, make it a habit to treat yourself like a queen and give yourself the world. That way you won’t be desperate to find other people who will, and be at the mercy of an unhealthy, codependent relationship, where the glue that holds you together isn’t love, but the fear of not having it. And so, both partners ultimately end up running on empty and are never quite fulfilled or whole within themselves.

Indeed, it is a fine balancing act, but one which you owe it to yourself to uphold, so that you don’t topple over onto either extremity. Focus on the prize, ladies, and that prize is your own happiness in the end.

Rewrite the narrative, and remember, you’re not the side character.

You’re the heroine. And you don’t need a love interest to make a kickass story.