One big obstacle in the dating process that holds us from finding a healthy, fulfilling relationship is our limited beliefs and childhood traumas. One prominent way this manifests is through our anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style. We all just want love, right? But our ubringing irrevocably marks how we relate to the world, both romantically and platonically.
Most often, it is women that exhibit anxious type due to the social programming that expects females to be nurturers, and monitor the wellbeing and behaviour of others. Another reason reason women exhibit anxious attachment is the father figure that is often physically or emotionally absent, thus creating a “father wound”. Meanwhile, men gravitate towards avoidant type due to toxic masculinity and how it pressures males into being self-sufficient and emotionally independent (or cold).
It’s not easy to navigate either extreme of the spectrum.
Anxious attachment style
The anxiously attached individual is often faced with severe anxiety at any perceived or real distance that forms between them and their partner. This can be a late reply to a text, or no reply. It can be inconsistent communication, or behaviour in general.
The reason this triggers their anxiety is because it also triggers a core wound, that of the “abandonment wound”. This is why, even in a toxic relationship where they may know on a deep level that it’s not okay anymore, the anxious individual might still choose to stay because they’re afraid they will be left with nothing (scarcity mindset) in the absence of the toxic partner. They are actively choosing someone else, hoping desperately to be chosen, even though by doing so they are literally self-abandoning (ironic, right?).
And so what works as a soothing balm for the anxiously attached is: reassurance, consistency, communication, clarity — these are key behaviours of the securely attached. And ultimately, prolonged exposure to healthy, reassurance behaviour and communication is what helps the anxiously attached evolve to a secure type.
Avoidant attachment style
Likewise, the avoidant faces their own challenges. How this develops is that one or both of their caretakers were overbearing in their childhood, or they were neglected and expected to handle things on their own. This develops a very independent personality, where the avoidant feels that their identity and wellbeing is closely tied with freedom, (having) space, and independence in general.
In a relationship, they will crave intimiacy and closeness like any other person… but their avoidant attachment creates an inner conflict, where by facing that sort of intimacy and closeness, they feel simultaneously suffocated, panicky, feeling on some level that their sense of self is in danger.
This is where it gets messy. Depending on the person, the avoidant can handle this in a very hurtful, toxic way, or in a transparent, accountable, “take it or leave it” way.
Toxic behaviour includes: ghosting, shutting down, silent treatment, being conflict avoidant. Generally, the avoidant pulls away, disconnecting mentally or emotionally, and findsit difficult to process their emotions at the time. It is only with space and time that they are able to process and reconnect with their feelings. That also explains why during breaks, break-ups or no-contact situations, avoidant types finally awaken to their feelings or start chasing their partners again.
Disorganized attachment style
But what about the disorganized type, that swings like a pendulum between anxious and avoidant, back and forth? In truth, this takes the worst of both worlds, but the good news is there’s hope here as well.
One can develop disorganized attachment as a result of being extremely anxious type to the point where the abandonment wound was triggered so many times, it lead to a shutdown that the individual experiences and consequently avoidant traits appear as self-defense mechanism.
Or it can develop as a result of an overall chaotic, unreliable childhood setting, and their nervous system had no choice but take on a disorganized attachment, by adopting whatever complementary attachment style was necessary for their “emotional survival”.
In this case, what helps is education and awareness of both anxious & avoidant types, their weaknesses and strengths, their needs, and understanding the following thing:
Ultimately, the way to shift from anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment, is to shift your mindset, your standards and your self-perception, to that of a secure one:
Secure attachment style
The securely attached individual in dating manifests in the following way:
- They are consistent in behaviour and communications. If they see inconsistency in who they’re dating, this is off-putting to them and they lose interest and look for healthier people that match their energy.
- They are present and reassuring. Likewise, they expect the same. If the other person is absent emotionally, or emotionally unavailable, the securely attached loses interest and attraction. They want someone who is present and engaged.
- They are not scared or intimidated by closeness and connection. On the contrary, they embrace it, because that is the point of dating with the scope of a committed relationship. If their partner does freak out or run away on bringing up more serious topics, or emotional intimacy in general, the securely attached chooses to walk away. Why? Because when you genuinely care about someone, them running away or rejecting your pursuit will be painful.
- They do not rush or lovebomb. They have a calm, steady, level-headed approach to dating and honor the rhythm that feels healthy and normal.
- In a relationship, the securely attached is accountable and commited: they face issues and difficult conversations, and make the necessary reparations. They don’t run away.
Conclusion
If the person you are dating actively triggers your anxiety or abandonment wound, this is your nervous system signalling to you that they’re avoidant or disorganized, and this is a familiar pattern that a caretaker in your childhood created. It is up to you if you want to continue dating such partners, or decide that your standards are higher. Only you can decide if it’s toxic, or if you’re just two people being humans and trying their best despite their chaotic childhood.
Shift your mindset by meditating over these affirmations, these truths:
- I decide here and now that I deserve better.
- I deserve healthy, consistent communication.
- I deserve healthy, supportive love.
- I have clear and strong boundaries.
- I am comfortable walking away from anything that is less than what I need.
- I have an abundance mindset. I know what leaves is always replaced with something better for me.
The moment you decide on a profound inner level that you will no longer tolerate toxic behaviours and connections, when you know deep in your gut that you deserve more and will find more… that is when the shift happens and you start becoming — and then attracting — better.
2 Responses
thanks for info.
Hi Liana, I’m glad it was helpful!