Imagine the following scenario. Right now you might be struggling with anxious attachment, depressed, body image issues, being a people-pleaser, maybe even financial instability. Among other things.
What if… 5 years, 3 or even just 1 year from now, you’ll be on a completely different path?
What if that future you is securely attached, happy, confident, fit and financially stable. What would you want to hear from your future self, to reassure you that good things are coming very soon, and you just need to hang in there a little longer? How would you approach your current challenges, your daily life, if you knew that small yet undeniable truth?
What would this reassurance from your future best self look like, addressed to the past self?
I’ve been wanting to write an article on this topic for a while now, and it’s finally time. I want to share my own story, and how it really does get better. I feel like vulnerability can be transformative, and by sharing our struggles we normalize our humanity and make space for empathy, connection, and growth. Life isn’t a highlight reel after all, and only sharing our best makes us feel isolated.
Community and building a safe space is essential for thriving, ladies. Without these, we’re stuck in survival mode, trust me on that. Nobody can heal in a void, nobody can heal all alone, and you don’t have to!
So grab a cup of coffee or a yummy drink, get cozy, and let’s get into it.
My story
From when I was a young teenager, I had my share of challenges. I was your cookie-cutter anxiously attached girl, with a Ph.D. in people-pleasing and self-sabotaging. My boundaries were weak or non-existent, because nobody every taught me why they’re important (or that they even exist and I can say no), let alone how to set a boundary.
My circumstances, upbringing and social norms all programmed me to place other people’s needs above my own. It didn’t matter if I felt neglected, abandoned or angry as a result. That was the norm. That’s what people did, especially women in my circle. Furthermore, nobody talked about “the bad stuff”, they just swept it under the rug.
I was anxiously attached because I had a chaotic childhood, with one emotionally unavailable parent, while the other was emotionally available but staying no matter what happened. It didn’t matter that the former was physically present, because on an emotional level, I felt very much abandoned and unsupported.
Naturally, much like most people in this world, this lead to an array of issues, which I would later understand through therapy.
But it taught me a list of false beliefs on what “love” looks like, what I’m supposed to do to be loved, and other things. Maybe you can relate to these as well:
- One parent being emotionally unavailable… made me feel inherently unsafe, abandoned, and as an adult, I would be drawn to men that are equally emotionally unavailable, because that’s what was familiar to my brain (and consequently attractive) to me.
- This emotional absence is the cause for my anxious attachment style. When your parent is hot-and-cold and unpredictable, you have no way of feeling secure. You feel that you have to prove your love, or struggle, or cling to it, or chase it. That without you fighting for it, it will slip right through your fingers, leaving you feeling even more abandoned. So, love is: something to fight for tooth and nail.
- The other parent staying through thick and thin taught me… that love is chaotic, messy, painful, and that it means staying no matter how toxic it gets. That love means: sacrifice and self-abandonment “for the sake of the relationship”.
My 20s
My dating life and relationships reflected all the above. I made mistakes, because there were a lot of things I didn’t know (but I wish someone would have told me).
I kept attracting (or choosing) partners that were emotionally unavailable, avoidant, and in some shape or form not seeing or appreciating me for who I truly am. This variously displayed as them ignoring my artistic side (my writing, fantasy books, my art, the list goes on) or my spiritual side. So the self-fulfilling prophecy was accomplished. I felt unseen, and unsupported.
And as an anxious attacher, I found myself eternally chasing “something”, desperately wanting to fill that void within, thinking that a partner, a boyfriend, would “fix” that problem and make me feel safe.
Of course, that never worked… because the void was within me.
Being in a relationship was only a temporary bandage, and as soon as the guys were gone, my world would collapse and feel abandoned all over again, because I was centering them in my universe.
The Epiphany
The patterns kept repeating, and the lessons (heartbreaks) became more and more painful and devastating, until I simply sat down and said ENOUGH. I can’t keep doing this. This isn’t fair to myself, or my heart, or my spirit. I decided, I deserve better.
I started my personal development journey and started choosing myself.
And I’ve never looked back since, after finding the 3 key ingredients to break this pattern:
- Self awareness and introspection
- Therapy
- Affirmations and self-concept
How I accomplished this is for another article, as it’s a long story (let me know if you’d love to hear about that next).
My 30s
All those painful heartbreaks and experiences showed me all the things I don’t want in a relationship, giving me more clarity in what I do want. After going through so much life experience, gaining wisdom, and having my fill of toxic relationships, slowly but surely everything changed.
I started prioritizing myself. I listened to my intuition and upheld my boundaries, thus gaining that security/safety I had been lacking most of my life.
I de-centered men from my life, and put myself front and center, as the sun of my own universe. I’m the main character, and everything is about me. I’m not the passenger or secondary character that vanishes from the story when “the guy” walks away, but the other way around.
I took the time for falling in love with myself… and my God! It was worth it a million times over. I’m not saying it’s easy. The journey of self-love is incredibly personal, unique, and subjective. But it’s something that you’ll never regret, and nobody can take away from you. There’s so many ways you can learn to love yourself, small daily steps, habits, routines and mindset shifts, that I might write a book on that one day.
What else did I do? I challenged myself to get out of my comfort zone. I joined book clubs, started going to the gym, making friends and meeting new people anywhere. I went to concerts, events and conferences on my own. In short, I demonstrated to myself that I can be happy and thriving on my own, that I don’t need another person to enjoy life.
How I’ve Changed
From an anxious, introverted, super shy, insecure girl… I turned into a secure, ambiverted, confident woman. I no longer chase people or things. I know that what’s for me, will find me. And I don’t have to bend over backwards, or dim my light, or be someone I’m not, in order to receive blessings. If I do, I take it as a clear sign that it’s NOT for me.
From feeling invisible and not knowing who I am… I gathered to courage to be authentic. Through self-awareness, introspection, through continuous exploration of my own psyche and inner world, I discovered who I truly am, and I now understand… life is too short to waste it being what other people want you to be! The whole world’s validation won’t make you feel happy or fulfilled within, if it comes with the price of your own authentic spirit.
From having weak boundaries and people-pleasing… I developed iron-clad boundaries and started honoring myself. So much so that even my friends reach out to me for help with learning to set boundaries. I’m no longer afraid to say no or reschedule. I know that the people that care about me will respect my limits, because they want my wellbeing. And those that repeatedly ignore them? A clear sign from the universe that they’re not the people for me.
From not having any standards… I developed high standards. How? I focused on my personal growth so that I first offer these things to myself (mindset, traits, growth mindset, fitness, quality of life), that way anything I require I can also offer, and it’s authentic and in alignment.
In short, I turned into the woman of my dreams.
The kind of woman I always had a burning admiration for, and always wondered “how do I get there?”. This is how. I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to be. But I’m damn proud of who I’ve become, and what I’ve achieved so far.
And this is only the beginning.
Conclusion
I hope my story inspires you to not give up on yourself. Wherever you may be in life, whatever phase or age, it’s always worth it to start loving yourself, to start believing in yourself.
I’m not saying it’s easy or fast. After all, it took me 10 years to get here. But you can make this shift in mindset, energy and confidence in 1 YEAR if you really want, and you’re brave enough to choose yourself and decide that you deserve better. You can learn from my mistakes and make the change now, instead of later.
Stop chasing other people.
Stop being your worst enemy, and become your best friend.
You are the sun of your own universe.
Start small, start afraid and confused and heartbroken, but start now. Keep choosing yourself.
With time… darling, it gets better.